The Biden campaign considers its options: a leaked memo*
*This isn't real, but it might as well be.
A memo from Jennifer O’Malley Dillon, Joe Biden’s campaign manager, to Uncle Joe himself about how to salvage Joe’s campaign just popped in my inbox. Apparently Dillon accidentally sent it to me.1 Turns out she’s a Unreported Truths reader, who knew?2
Anyhoo, this thing is gold. I’ve reproduced it in full, no edits.
TO: Big Guy
FROM: Jen-Jen (Dr. Jill can remind you who I am if it slips your mind)
Got to be honest, POTUS, things are not looking good. You probably have about 48 hours before a Trump +9 poll comes out and the Democratic bedwetting turns to bedshitting.
With that in mind (sorry, I know you don’t like us to use “mind” or “brain” or “cognition” or “dementia” in these), staff and I have prepared a list of options. Happy to talk them through after your morning nap.
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(20 cents a day for the breaking news and truth you need. The snark is free. Pretty good deal.)
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1: Ask Ministry of Magic to erase Muggles’ memories of the debate. (Long shot, but biggest upside.)
2: Every Biden voter gets full student loan forgiveness or $1000 Amazon gift voucher. (Bonus: Bezos would love it, might get WaPo off your back.)
3: One word - illegals.
4: Have Hunter hit campaign trail so world sees they’re not just voting for you, but your whole family!
5: Ask “Walking Corpse” Party for endorsement. (Big in Florida.)
6: Continue to emphasize threat Donald Trump poses to democracy.
7: Cancel elections on basis they pose threat to democracy.
8: Have you go out and do unscripted events and press conferences for next week to prove you’re in great shape - lolololol, sorry, just had to throw that in!
9: Admit Barry’s been in charge all along. (Well, he has, right?) The country loves him.
10: Oh, forget it, it’s hopeless, I’ll ask the writers to start ginning up a goodbye speech. We’ll keep it short. For everyone’s sake.
It was fun while it lasted,
Jen
Didn’t happen, but in 2008 , when I was at the New York Times, a lawyer who represented the pharmaceutical company Eli Lilly accidentally sent me an email discussing Lilly’s secret settlement talks with the government over a criminal investigation of a drug called Zyprexa. She’d meant to send it to a guy named Bradford Berenson, a Washington lawyer who was a distant cousin.
She’s not. At least as far as I know.
Are you auditioning for the Babylon Bee?
A criminal lawsuit involving Zyprexa?! Oooo do tell! From a pharmaceutical background, this is interesting and wondering why I didn’t hear of it before.
PS: these weight loss drugs might go the same route as there’s a lot of side effects that are being hidden here in the states but not overseas eg; mental disorders: https://unorthodoxy.substack.com/p/the-hidden-struggle-in-health-care
Also, number 7 was HILARIOUS 😂