Attention citizens!

Like you, Your Dept. Of Pandemia is sick of the epidemic of the world’s elite soccer players annoying viewers by grabbing their chests onscreen. First flopping, now this. Get over yourselves. You’d survive about ten seconds in the NFL.

Your Dept. is pleased to partner with Pfizer and Moderna to introduce new television timeouts for the Premier League every 15 minutes*. Players will be checked for afib at each break, and any player who has suffered cardiac arrest between breaks will be removed from the field quietly and without need to stop play.

Attention citizens!

*May be need to be shortened to five minutes.