The Miracle Shots (TM) saved 20 million billion zillion people. Trust our models.
Attention citizens! Your Dept. Of Pandemia is back, with good news.
We know some of you are wondering if the Miracle Shots (TM) work, what with all the infections and deaths in Miracle Shot (TM) recipients and the fact that the countries that have the fewest Miracle Shots (TM) also have the fewest deaths from The Thing (TM, Wuhan, 2018).
Well now we have the answer. The Miracle Shots (TM) work! Yes indeedy.
How do we know?
We commissioned a study to prove they worked, and after several revisions, our sciencyists proved they worked. Even we were surprised how well, we would have been happy if the Miracle Shots (TM) had saved only five million billion lives, but it turns out they saved way more. Yay Miracle Shots (TM).
This was a “mathematical modeling study,” so you can believe it.