BULLETIN FROM DR. ANTHONY FAUCI

I know you missed these!

Listen up, peasants.

I am a good person.

WHEN I SAID THINGS THAT WEREN’T TRUE ABOUT MASKS, IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!

WHEN I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM INVESTIGATING THE WUHAN LAB, IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!

WHEN I PROMOTED A VACCINE THAT HAS NOW HAD MORE SIDE EFFECT REPORTS THAN ALL THE OTHER VACCINES EVER, IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!

WHEN I SAID THREE DOSES WOULD WORK EVEN THOUGH TWO DIDN’T -

You get the idea.

I am a good person. A very good person. I don’t want to use the word great, but if you do, I’ll understand.

I don’t do this for the money. That $10 million the wife and I have saved up, that’s beans. My house is modest by Washington standards. Only one pool.

I don’t do it for the fame either. All those TV appearances, and radio hits, and podcast interviews, and magazine profiles, and newspaper profiles, and children’s books, and action figures, and -

THOSE MEAN NOTHING TO ME. NOTHING. I don’t even keep track of them, mmmkay?

Why do I do it?

I do it because I love you all. You are my patients, and I am your doctor. The relationship is sacred.

Also if I quit now it’ll look like I lost. Fuck that, peasants. I am science, and science will win. I know because Pfizer told me so.

Just look at all the winning!

BULLETIN FROM DR. ANTHONY FAUCI!